


(kiss) kiss me on the mouth

by oncewewerezombies



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Body Horror, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Canon-Typical Violence, Castration, Dark Comedy, F/M, Off-screen death, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Pale-Black Vacillation, Xeno, aliens do alien things, alternative explanations for canon events, body disposal, dark humour, the condesce is both a cavefish and a moray eel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-24
Updated: 2017-05-24
Packaged: 2018-11-04 10:14:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10988847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oncewewerezombies/pseuds/oncewewerezombies
Summary: In which a violetblooded Orphaner meets an untimely and ungracious end, and Her Imperious Condescension and the Grand Highblood consider the consequences of biting off more than you can chew.Alternative title: Did you know that moray eels have pharyngeal jaws?





	(kiss) kiss me on the mouth

**Author's Note:**

  * For [squeezedoutofmiracles](https://archiveofourown.org/users/squeezedoutofmiracles/gifts).



calamitousCondescension [CC] began trolling totalitarianCaduceator [TC]

CC: buoy  
CC: it's possibubble i manta need a grasping frond with somefin  
TC: oh really now  
TC: AND WHAT THING COULD THAT MOTHERFUCKING BE?  
TC: get specific on this shit for which you require a brother's aiding frond, my bitchtittiest fish sista  
CC: dun wanna  
CC: just  
CC: get the fuck over here to my respiteblock rayght now  
CC: before i decide i'm gonna rip your reoxygenator bags outta your thoracic cavity for motherglubbing festival bubblesacks  
CC: put some decoraytions up in pier  
CC: stop askin glubbing questions and move yoar bass cod damn  
CC: fuck

calamitousCondescension [CC] ceased trolling totalitarianCaduceator [TC]

By the time he got to the aforementioned respiteblock, Kurloz had run through a dozen motherfucking things as it could be. What could she need him for, at this hour of the day? There wasn't even no industrious motherfucking blueblood stirring. If he hadn't had her chathandle set to be loud and irritating enough to wake him at any hour, gain his attention in a few pusherbeats, he would have slept through it. If this was some kind of motherfucking joke...he was gonna gut someone. He did not appreciate being roused at hours like this for no good motherfucking reason. It was only by a bare grubleg width, that he was willing to give her the benefit of a doubt. After all - she'd asked for his help. _His help_. The fuck was with that? Made him all kinds of motherfucking meowbeast curious.

Messiahs be blessed, he wasn't even meant to be here in this palace, and she was lucky he was sleeping alone. He'd been meant to leave a few nights before, but he'd stayed because it had been a good cycle since they'd seen each other. And she'd promised him a motherfucking riotous party. Shoulda known better. The party had been full of saltlicking fools, and the liquor had been paltry. She had not even had the grace to invite him to pile or pail, after he'd delayed his motherfucking magnanimous self from his leavetaking. 

And now here he was, humping his ass for a bitch yet again. He'd say when would he learn his motherfucking schoolfeeds on the capriciousness and ungratefulness of waders, but, that was half the reason he stuck around her in the first place. And the other half was how they'd sunk talon and fang into each other's soul, for he would not be without her if he could help it. Fucking seawitch.

Why did he do this to himself?

When he arrives at her respiteblock, continuing to question his sanity about this beefgrub-guzzling shit that he did for her outside of his official motherfucking duties, and knocks on her locked door (locked? Weird ass shit), she pokes her head out a minute or two later and then hauls him inside. A little thing she might be but she got the strength of a titan hidden in the muscles wrapped around her frame. She's wearing a robe wrapped round her shoulders, belted loose and not on proper enough to hide the fact that she's going baretitty, all 'spheres out for the subjuggulators. It'd make him laugh, but she's just wild-eyed enough and serious around the facegash to make him keep mum, while she hauls him by the frond-flap from greeting chamber to private restblock. He's been there more than often enough to know the way, but she's never been this alarmed. Usually only aroused - they pile elsewhere.

"Now what the _motherfuck_ \- ohhh."

There's a dead wader on her concupiscent platform. A wader he knows the horns of, with a real big attitude problem...uhhh. Uh huh. Dead wader's all kind of motherfucking naked too.

He puts his hand to his chin, propping his grasper-hinge up on the other while his arm is across his chest and frowns. Sure is one dead wader. Sure is missing his _motherfucking bulge_ , like the worst kind of sicknasty joke that he's ever come across. Kurloz can tell that it's his bulge he's missing because it's lying on the platform next to him and his crotch is a mess of gaping violet. That is some fucked up shit - and he knew fucked up shit, alright, he was usually in charge of motherfucking orchestrating it. Bringing it up to a crescendo of YO, THAT'S FUCKED UP, BRO, resounding like a clarion call from the Messiahs from heavens to earthen plane and below. This is a pretty good effort on the fishbitch's part - who's currently shifting next to him, foot to anxious walking stub, like a motherfucking wriggler that needs to go pee real bad.

"Sure is one dead motherfucker," he observes to her, pursing his lips a little and making a little popping sound. Dead motherfuckers usually ain't no problem, to her or to him. "Why you want me over here so bad?"

"Fuck you, cullcake," she hisses at him, sharp and desperate. He likes this look on her, like oh shit, I fucked up and where's my lusus. Makes him feel kinda conflicted in his pusher. Like on the one frond, he wants to rub her face right the fuck in it and make her realise how shit she is in every motherfucking way possible; on the other grasper, he kind of wants to soothe and pap her, and tell her he's gonna motherfucking fix it and make her problem go away. Doesn't see yet where the problem lay - she'd culled a motherfucker, so what? "I need you to cover this ship up for me."

"Cover this shit up? What for? You cull a motherfucker, that's your motherfucking prerogative. This a little more messy than usual, even for you, a wicked brother will admit that. Did he try some shit unasked? I didn't think even Ampora was that fucking stupid." He peers over at the bulge, and the dead Orphaner on her fucking bedspread. Whistles soft and respectful through his fangs. How the shit had she even? He turns his head to look at her as she snarls at him, low and vicious as a whirling sawtooth ripper and he can see violet on her mouth. Ooh. OOOH. "Bitch. Tell me you did not."

She looks confused for a beat, until he reaches out to wipe her mouth clean. Then her oculars clear and she snaps, slaps his pointer stubs away from cleaning blood and geneslime from the corner of her facegash, where it's marred her fuchsia pink mouthpaint. Oh ho ho ho. This is motherfucking golden, it is a legitimate fucking reason to mock her until the end of time. This is even better than the time that she swam straight into a rock in front of him when she was trying to make him learn how by pulling him into the undertow by his hair. And that had been a moment pretty fucking blessed by the hilariotous ways of the Messiahs, all on its own. This? This is better. 

"Moby I did, if he hadn't tried to shove it down remora and grab at my damn horns, he'd probubbly still be alive. Whale. Moby knot alive," she sulks at him, and Kurloz can feel his shoulders starting to shake with laughter. Gotta hold it down, hold it in. "At least, I wouldn't have bitten it off. It was a _reflex action_ , ocray, pike I can control that ship when somefin gets pushed down so far, you _minnow_ I can't -"

Her voice is getting louder and higher and he loses it, absolutely fucking loses his shit and howls with laughter, bent over double at the waist and his hands on his knees. Even when she hits him, slapping at his back viciously in ways he's going to feel for motherfucking days, he can't stop. Ah Messiahs, blessed and bountiful. This is too fucking good.

It's a neat fucking party trick that she has, that she likes to show off to the new waders.

Ain't no other fish who's got the trick, just her. It's always funny, when she's doing the new navy intake, or showing off to her wet behind the ears Orphaners, just doddling along through the pleasantries and ceremonies until they get to the food. She talks, she sips, she taps her foodgrabber-sticks against the plate, picks up something wiggling and soft between the pair of them as she turns to look at one of her older nobles. And her mouth opens, opens wider and _wider_ , and her second set of jaws opens up from the under and back of her throat, grabs the mouthful off the sticks and retreats behind her fangs as she swallows, closes her mouth and smiles wide as a shark. The newbies usually go all quiet and fearful at that point, at least for a pusherbeat.

Guess Lil Bitey got a little _too_ motherfucking friendly.

Kurloz is on the floor, laughing until he cries purple-tinted tears as she whales on him with all she got in her (which is a lot, and ow, motherfucker that shit's gonna smart in the evening) and screams in something like a whisper about how he needs to shut the fuck up and kelp her, it ain't that fucking funny, you degenerate motherglubbing _shipwreck_ , and he can't. He just motherfucking can't. This is too damn good. He'd always thought Dualscar was motherfucking hilarious in the way he pimped and preened, and tried to catch her roving orb for a tumble on a platform. And look at what a motherfucker had got when he fucking _did_. No wonder why now that he looks so motherfucking surprised, lying there twisted up in deceased splendour and his bulge lying beside. Not a bad size, no wonder Bitey had got straight in on that action.

Oh fuck, if he doesn't stop, he's gonna piss himself. Which would be less than the epitome of cool that he tries to set for himself, uphold his motherfucking office and shit like that. Besides, he wants to be the one to hold onto the high ground here. Mother _fuck_ , ok. Sniffing and snorting a little, Kurloz wipes his eyes and smears the remnants of his paint that he was too lazy to clean off before going to 'coon before getting to his feet. Alrighty then, motherfuckers. Time to sweep this under the decorative floorcover plane. Make it all _disappear_ , a la ka fucking shazaam.

"You got some kinda big ass knife?"

She nods at him, looking puzzled at his drawled question and he grins wide and pleased at her affirmative answer, and settles in to explain what the pair of them are gonna do. A whole body's pretty big, not easy to transport, kind of motherfucking recognisable. Chop a motherfucker up at the joints and pull the sheets up around the heap and he just got a hell of a lot easier to move. All Kurloz really needs for the rest of the plan is his motherfucking head, the rest can get janked down an obliterifierchute. 

Then once they're done sneaking that shit out of the room and dumping it down the chute, he has to show her how to make up her motherfucking platform so it ain't noticeable what's gone on (maintenance will probably still notice there's sheets missing, but who the fuck listens to that kind of scum shitblood). She can kill someone with a swipe of her hand, craft a watertight diplomatic fucking treaty, she can pilot a damn starship - can't spread out the sheets on her platform so they fit good and tight on the corners. What the fuck do they teach waders about useful shit these nights? He knows she can bake, but he wonders how she'd do if she had to make any other blessed thing in a nutritionblock. 

Eventually, despite all her bitching and conniving at getting her fronds dirty and hefting the damn mass of slick muscle and bone to the chute entrance (just down the corridor as it were, lazy motherfucking seabitch), they get shit sorted. Body is gone, chewed to pieces in machinery, and there's no blood on the mattress, no sign of violet or wader any fucking where in her respiteblock. The most noble Orphaner's gaudy ass clothes had followed the body into the grinding abyss of the garbage disposal system - thankfully, he'd kept his humping shit ton of a laser rifle on ship, out of reach. Probably believed himself safe, secure and sacrosanct in Her Imperial Wicked Fishbitch's court; hollow fucking laugh there. Ain't nobody completely safe around Her Imperious Condescension, not even him.

Kurloz would have hated to bust up such a magnificent fucking weapon but he would have done so, if he'd had to. To protect her dignity. To protect _her_ , from the consequences of her own ill motherfucking chosen actions. He's such a Messiahs cursed mishatch of a sucker for her, and all her little ways and means.

Ain't needed to have taken such an action, this time. Staggering with tiredness, he sets his walking struts to journey back to his respiteblock and has the warmest motherfucking glow under his thoracic struts of knowing that she owes him. Big time. The motherfucking biggest. It'd be one motherfucking thing to let that scumsucker on her platform, pail him, use him and kick him the fuck out in the early eve as the sun set and moons rose - another to let the masses know he'd got his bulge down the Imperial windchute, even if he'd been killed most ignominious and disgraceful for it. Seriously, what the fuck had she been thinking? She'd have been pissed off at something. She always did the stupidest beefgrub shit when she got mad.

He'd seen her submerged in sopor before he left her, her hair spreading on the green slime like black seaweed in a tidal pool. Now he wanted that same ease for himself, but he's got a few more steps to take before he can sleep again. For what, a turn of the dial? Shit. Maybe he should just stay up. Setting the bleeding head up on his desk, he scrumbles for his club and takes a stance, squinting at it before bringing the weapon right down between a motherfucker's bulging oculars. There's a comforting familiar sound of skull crushing under it and the squish of brainmatter jettisoning out the auricular clots before he grabs the much more battered head again and drags his fingers through the blood leaking slow and bitter from the neck stump.

Got some painting to do, just to finish up.

The unlamented death of Orphaner Dualscar sets off a wave of unease through the seadweller ranks, and a new chorus of petitions to the Empress to have the Grand Highblood culled, or leashed in some way. The fact that his entire body was gone was odd, unsettling. The injunction to 'GET BETTER COMEDY MATERIAL', painted on the doors of the guest quarters that the subjuggulator used above the crushed skull in Dualscar's own blood, makes them even more squawky, like a disturbed bunch of old cluckbeasts. Gabble, gabble, gabble. The idea that he might kill any one of them if they didn't tell a funny enough joke settles into the violetblooded courtiers like a sudden glacial chill, and most of them now fail to meet his gaze when he comes to imperial functions that require his presence.

Kurloz is not unsatisfied with the entire affair, truth be told, but he's not going to let an imperial fuckup forget that she had done fucked up and that it had been his actions that had unfucked her fuck up.

totalitarianCaduceator [TC] began trolling calamitousCondescension [CC] 

TC: you're motherfucking welcome  
CC: oh fuck you  
TC: NAME TIME AND MOTHERFUCKING PLACE, MY MOST BITCHTITTIEST OF PLUSH RUMPED SISTERS  
TC: you know a wicked brother be down  
CC: not everyfin is aboat your damn bulge  
TC: HA  
TC: :oD  
TC: as long as mine don't wind up severed from my body in pains a brother ain't want to imagine  
TC: IT'S AT YOUR DISPOSAL  
CC: as is the rest of you  
TC: you know it, i ain't never claimed different  
CC: yeah whale  
CC: you came through in the pinch  
TC: THIS IS THE POINT WHERE MOST MOTHERFUCKERS WOULD THROW A BONE OF A THANK YOU AT ANY BODY STANDING  
CC: good thing i ain't most motherglubbers then  
CC: isn't it  
CC: you take what i fuckin give you and be thankful  
TC: as a brother made statement as to beforehand  
TC: YOU WELCOME, YOU SALTLICKING BITCH  
CC: shut it or imma jam somefin down yoar blowhole  
TC: ;o)  
TC: you love a ninjalicious mime's wicked ways  
TC: BESIDES, I LIKE THE IDEA THAT I'M THE ONLY TROLL TO GET A BULGEJOB OFF THE EMPRESS AND LIVE  
CC: you didn't make the mistake of tryin to cram the whale fuckin fin down my windchute  
CC: i shoulda known that ampora would be a greedy nooksore  
TC: i got more class  
CC: my achin sides i'm reelin over pier  
TC: IT IS MY PLEASURE TO SERVE THE THRONE  
CC: ow ow ow my glubbin oculars  
CC: don't say that bilgeswallop at me i get that shit enough from the fuckin bluebloods  
CC: sanctimonious motherglubbers that they are  
TC: you know i'm just teasing a bad bitch  
TC: SO WHEN'S THE NEXT PARTY?  
TC: i need to know so i can make sure a motherfucker's got knowledge on where all the obliterifierchute entrances are  
TC: IN CASE YOU NEED ME TO DISPOSE OF ANY MORE CORPSEHUSKS IN SECRET  
CC: fuck you  
CC: fuck this  
CC: meenah out

calamitousCondescension [CC]  ceased trolling  totalitarianCaduceator [TC]

TC: shit, this is golden

calamitousCondescension [CC] began trolling totalitarianCaduceator [TC]

CC: if i even think you told anyone i'm gonna do something terrible to you  
TC: WHEN HAVE I MOTHERFUCKING EVER  
TC: i'm as silent as the stones when it comes to your secrets  
CC: good  
CC: betta stay that wave that's all

calamitousCondescension [CC]  ceased trolling  totalitarianCaduceator [TC]

TC: I NEED AN EYE ROLLING THING THAT GOES WITH MY QUIRK

totalitarianCaduceator [TC] is an idle troll!

calamitousCondescension [CC] began trolling totalitarianCaduceator [TC] 

CC: thanks  
CC: or wharfebber  
CC: idiotic fucking clownfish

calamitousCondescension [CC]  ceased trolling  totalitarianCaduceator [TC]


End file.
